Hope Floats November 25, 2007

Never seen the movie Hope Floats, but it’s a nice concept. Hope not sinking under the choppy waves, but floating to some peaceful island and living out a simple, content life. I read a quote today from Calum Fisher that said “Optimism can make you look stupid, but cynicism always makes you look cynical.”

Therefore, I’ve decided to keep being optimistic. No one likes a cynic. An update on my situation is as follows:

1. I’ve been depressed for a VERY long time

2. I was in therapy for a year and a half

3. My doctor prescribed Zoloft

4. My therapist thinks it’s highly likely I have ADD

5. I am going back to the doctor this week to change my meds

6. Zoloft gives me headaches behind my eyes and makes me klutzy (I’ve ben tripping a lot)

7. Hopefully, new meds will treat the ADD, which is the cause of my depression, and by treating the ADD, the depression will also vanish

The good thing about NOT being on meds is that you don’t know if they’ll work or not. Once I’ve tried medication, if it doesn’t ‘fix’ me, I’ll feel like what’s wrong with me is all my fault, as if I am crazy. But, I am being optimistic. Everything will turn out. I’ll find the right meds, take them, and be normal again. I hope.

Depression Sucks November 20, 2007

That’s right – I am depressed. My doctor says it’s depression, my therapist thinks it’s depression brought on by ADD.

ADD can cause depression, and once a person has had depression once, the likelihood of having it again drastically increases. My school term is down the toilet and I’m broke as a joke. But, I have a BF and son who love me, and I just got a new job. And Christmas is coming. I LOVE Christmas. I love getting neat presents for people, wrapping them, watching people open them. I also LOVE decorating for Christmas. I love getting the tree, hanging lights, making paper snowflakes, cooking holiday dishes (especially fudge) and, yes, opening presents. Shopping is the most fun part, though. Seeing all the cute new decorations and wrapping paper and greeting cards makes my day. I’m a Christmas dork

I am hopeful. If things don’t improve by the New Year, that will be bad for me, emotionally. But now that I know what’s wrong is something that can likely be fixed by medication, I feel better. I thought it was ME! I thought something was wrong with me, that I should be able to fix it. But ADD isn’t like that. And since the ADD caused my depression, if I cure the ADD, the depression should go away.

My BF doesn’t understand. And he’s frustrated about me sucking in all my classes. I am too. I want to do homework, it’s just that I feel like I CAN’T. He is being supportive though, and I know he still loves me. I just don’t want to be this way anymore. I’m tired of letting everyone around me down and not being able to fully live up to my potential. Like the header says, depression sucks.