Elissa & Lauren November 29, 2007

So, I heard my friend Elissa was back in town after not having seen her for two years. We kinda parted on bad terms (my fault – I was drinking too much) and so I made an appointment with her at the salon she works at under a fake name. She was glad to see me, and we hung out today for a while.

She is one of the most loyal people I know. She’s sweet, smart, fun, and for some reason, likes me We had a great time catching up, and she was full of complements about how mature I’ve become and how much calmer and more adult I seem. She was also pleasantly surprised that my house is clean! I used to be super messy. I’ve know Elissa for almost ten years now, and she knows more about my history and my struggles than just about anyone else I hang out with right now.

My other really good friend is Lauren. She’s almost 20 (5 years younger than me) and also really sweet. She can be a bit flaky, but she’s still totally loyal and SO fun. She’s also cool about helping me with Jake when I need it.

We met in Terrance Millet’s advanced fiction class and hit it off from there. She’s incredibly smart, understand me, and is a fantastic writer. She makes me want to be a stronger, more developed woman. So anyway, one of my personal goals this year was to make a couple good girlfriends, and I did! It’s neat that I can call or text a GF when I need to chat or whatever. Also, Adam (BF) is going to LA for four days for training for his job, and I think both Elissa and Lauren are going to come stay with me so I don’t get lonely or sad. It should be fun.

Hope Floats November 25, 2007

Never seen the movie Hope Floats, but it’s a nice concept. Hope not sinking under the choppy waves, but floating to some peaceful island and living out a simple, content life. I read a quote today from Calum Fisher that said “Optimism can make you look stupid, but cynicism always makes you look cynical.”

Therefore, I’ve decided to keep being optimistic. No one likes a cynic. An update on my situation is as follows:

1. I’ve been depressed for a VERY long time

2. I was in therapy for a year and a half

3. My doctor prescribed Zoloft

4. My therapist thinks it’s highly likely I have ADD

5. I am going back to the doctor this week to change my meds

6. Zoloft gives me headaches behind my eyes and makes me klutzy (I’ve ben tripping a lot)

7. Hopefully, new meds will treat the ADD, which is the cause of my depression, and by treating the ADD, the depression will also vanish

The good thing about NOT being on meds is that you don’t know if they’ll work or not. Once I’ve tried medication, if it doesn’t ‘fix’ me, I’ll feel like what’s wrong with me is all my fault, as if I am crazy. But, I am being optimistic. Everything will turn out. I’ll find the right meds, take them, and be normal again. I hope.

A Moment November 20, 2007

Pretty minded haze

Not what I want

Clarity, purity

Could be mine

A little pill

Promises to fix me

I can’t mend

Pathways not there

Pretty minded haze

Sounds so good

Only, clarity remains

Just out of my grasp

Depression Sucks November 20, 2007

That’s right – I am depressed. My doctor says it’s depression, my therapist thinks it’s depression brought on by ADD.

ADD can cause depression, and once a person has had depression once, the likelihood of having it again drastically increases. My school term is down the toilet and I’m broke as a joke. But, I have a BF and son who love me, and I just got a new job. And Christmas is coming. I LOVE Christmas. I love getting neat presents for people, wrapping them, watching people open them. I also LOVE decorating for Christmas. I love getting the tree, hanging lights, making paper snowflakes, cooking holiday dishes (especially fudge) and, yes, opening presents. Shopping is the most fun part, though. Seeing all the cute new decorations and wrapping paper and greeting cards makes my day. I’m a Christmas dork

I am hopeful. If things don’t improve by the New Year, that will be bad for me, emotionally. But now that I know what’s wrong is something that can likely be fixed by medication, I feel better. I thought it was ME! I thought something was wrong with me, that I should be able to fix it. But ADD isn’t like that. And since the ADD caused my depression, if I cure the ADD, the depression should go away.

My BF doesn’t understand. And he’s frustrated about me sucking in all my classes. I am too. I want to do homework, it’s just that I feel like I CAN’T. He is being supportive though, and I know he still loves me. I just don’t want to be this way anymore. I’m tired of letting everyone around me down and not being able to fully live up to my potential. Like the header says, depression sucks.

Thanksgiving Fun Facts November 20, 2007

1. The average person consumes 4,500 calories on Thanksgiving!

2. The highest quality cranberries always bounce!

3. There were no dairy products at the first Thanksgiving! (Many yummy Thanksgiving dishes are already vegetarian – try it!)

4. A Turkey’s field of vision is 270 degrees!

Veggie-riffic! November 20, 2007

Oh my gosh. I just got the vegetarian starter kit from PETA. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat meat again. It is completely horrid the way that animals raised for food are treated. But not only that, becoming a vegetarian is the number one best thing you can do to help the environment too! Who knew? Nearly half the water in the US is used to raise animals for food. A meat based diet uses up 4,000 gallons of water per person per day; a vegan diet only 300 gallons. Farmed animal feces are the number one cause of methane gas, which is 20X more effective than carbon dioxide at trapping heat in our atmosphere. Also, out of ALL the fossil fuels and raw materials in our country, more than one-third are used to raise animals for food. Stories about pus filled milk, arsenic in chicken and other horrific tales were also inside. I got my info at peta.org, under the veg. starter kit. I’m going to have my five year old go vegan too.

Obama November 20, 2007

Why do we want someone ‘experienced’ (in taking bribes and playing to the lobbists) for President? Obama is an honest, smart man. He is more than able, and I am hoping beyond hope he gets the office in 2009. He doesn’t accept money from Lobbists and yet has raised almost as much a Hillary, who does. People like him because he resonates – they can tell he’s honest, and that draws them in.

November 19th, 2007 November 20, 2007

Gone for the day

I read alone

Drinking sweet coffee

Meandering through pages

I’m in another lonely world

Body in the chair, mind gone

Wishing I was really among

The characters in my book

Jake Is Awesome November 19, 2007

My five year old is named Jake, and he’s the coolest. He asked me to read to him from the magazine that PETA just sent me that convinced me to go vegetarian, and I did. Now he’s all about being a vegetarian with me. I didn’t even have to talk him into it!

He also realizes our current president is an idiot, which makes him smarter than said Bush. He’s kind, caring, and best of all, more intelligent than I am. I swear, people just keep getting smarter in our family. For example, my grandpa Harley was Mensa-level smart. My dad is too, as am I. Jake will outshine us all.

He is very intuitive as well. He knows when something is wrong, and will come comfort me if he can see I am upset. He really is quite the little person. It’s hard to believe his ‘dad’ is such a dumb-ass. Jake must get all his good qualities from my side